"All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience"

The Gentle Healer by Greg Olson

If there were ever a more powerful section of scripture concerning tribulation and adversity, I don't know of any more so than the revelations Joseph Smith received in Liberty Jail (D&C 122). The doctrine is not only pure but comforting, not only instructive but enlightening. Most importantly, the section offers comfort and peace time and time again in my life when the storms of adversity raise their threatening heads.

It appears that my surprise pregnancy is not a pregnancy any longer. We went to the doctor and discovered that it was looking good, like a normal pregnancy. That same night symptoms started up again, only the pain was a little edgier. I went to the dr. the next day and this time, no pregnancy was apparent on the u/s. Nothing appeared but a cyst. Blood levels were drawn and my hcg levels dropped, halved in fact. So, in a week I am to return to the dr., hopefully my hcg levels will be 0. I may or may not still have to endure a miscarriage (if I haven't already). No baby is in the future and no addition to our family.

My last two weeks have been emotionally charged. I am exhausted and drained. Oddly enough, today, life had to go on. I took the boys to the dentist, helped Abby finish her science fair project, went to lunch with Justin and the little boys, went to Abby's science fair project...life continues. A part of me feels terrible...I was getting used to the idea of a new baby, wondering if it would be a sister or brother, hoping it would be healthy despite rough beginnings. A part of me also feels frustrated at the process we have gone through. Tests that say "Surprise you'er pregnant and miscarrying" and then more tests that say "Surprise you didn't miscarry and everything looks good" and then one last test that says "We don't see a pregnancy anywhere, you must have miscarried and not realized it or you still will miscarry."

These are not the worst trials I have faced. But they are a reminder of where our source of power comes from. They are a reminder that being humble on my own is more important than being compelled to be humble. The trials offer me an opportunity to fast, pray, and commune with the spirit in a way that only happens through adversity. I am thankful for it. I know that the Lord's ways are not my ways and I trust in His plan completely.

Thanks to amazing parents and a wonderful husband who have been here picking up my slack for the last two weeks, cooking meals, cleaning house, watching kids, helping with homework....I couldn't have done it without you! Thanks to those of you who offered encouragement, prayers, love, understanding and support! It helps to lighten the burdens.

"Know thou..that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)