See her up there? She is amazing! She can juggle it all with a smile on her face and she never gets overwhelmed or tired or stuck in a rut. Not me! This is the fourth or fifth time I have pulled my keyboard up and tried to type something. Anything. I've been wanting to type something happy or inspirational or interesting but....I....Can't....do.....it. Just nothing. I feel so completely overwhelmed lately. I put a smile on my face, and continue to get the kids to all their 500 places they need to be, I get my homework done for school, I try to make sure I am helping Justin when he needs help, I cook dinner (sometimes...we eat out a lot lately and some of the stuff I "cook" is really quite questionable), I sleep, I read, I facebook but....I don't really feel like me. To be honest, I think that I have had three or four of the most emotionally turbulent weeks and it has caught up to me. Abby's cardiology appointment started it all off, followed by a funeral for my cousin, followed by a trip to the ER where I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying, followed by finding out I wasn't miscarrying, followed by Abby's science fair project, followed by Abby's big piano competition at Weber State, followed by finding out I actually had miscarried (or would soon), followed by getting Abby's heart surgery date of June 1st. And those are just the biggies. Throw in life as usual on top of all that and I have hit a brick wall.There...how was that for a downer of a post! Maybe if I get it all out there, somewhere in the cyber air, I will feel better. Maybe if I knew other people sometimes felt this way. I feel like all this happened in a matter of three weeks just one after the other after the other and now everyone wants me to be back to work, back to normal, back to life as usual. I am normally quite good at rolling with the punches but these last few punches were just too many and executed like a one, two and upper cut to the jaw for a perfect knockout!
Okay, so I'm not floundering here. I'm not wallowing around my house and I certainly know that all these experiences really pale in comparison to others. I'm happy. I laugh. I smile. But, I definitely feel a little off my keel. I know that being pregnant right now was not good timing, having an upcoming surgery is really where I need to be focusing my energies. But to be honest, part of me is having a hard time dealing with the miscarriage. I know, I have other kids. I know, now was not the best time. But I don't know if I would have had a boy or a girl. I don't know if God was trying to send me a message. I don't know how to mourn the loss of a baby that wasn't even a baby yet. And, I don't feel like those quiet little small nagging thoughts will ever really go away. I'm in a constant emotional volleyball game. There...it is out there. For me more than you and if you find this post really annoying, I'm sorry. I just needed to get it somewhere and maybe a journal would have been better for that. I really haven't kept a journal much since I started blogging and every time I sit down to blog, this is what comes to mind.
So, now I hope to be back to my game soon. I hope to be me soon. I hope that I will take an interest in taking pictures of my four amazing kids' accomplishments (like science fair projects which won awards, and piano competitions I didn't even go to, and 100% on a block reading test for a little guy that has worked his tail off on improving his reading), I hope that I will feel more like cooking and cleaning and laundry soon. And I hope that soon I find a little peace, a little comfort, and a little bit of me that is missing somewhere.
8 comments:
I'm so glad you shared this. I completely understand the need to just get it out there. Feelings! They are real and valid and yours. They don't change that you keep going as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc. I certainly can't compare myself to the experiences you've had lately but I can relate to that feeling of Ugh.....I'll tell you one thing I know for sure. When our physical body and hormones are in upheaval it is only natural that our emotional being is as well. Hang in there! You are amazing!!
Look at all you have been through... of course you don't feel like yourself. You haven't had time to find yourself through all of that. I have a friend that has had a few miscarriages and she planted a plant in their honor. maybe that might help. I always have thought of you as a very spiritual person so... turn it all over to the Lord, right him a letter telling him your feelings and exact needs even if it is just help me. I did that not long ago and it REALLY helped. You are in my prayers!!!! good luck.
Oh, things take time. It's hard being a mom that just can't take a vacation when a REAL vacation away from everything is exactly what we need at times like these.
You need to take the time to mourn and you won't get over it for quite some time, so don't expect yourself to. You just need to keep trudging along and as you deal with your every day mom stuff things will get easier.
It's good to write things down, because there are many of us that have experienced at least one or two things that you have and we understand. Don't get overwhelmed and don't forget how many people love you!
I think everyone feels like this at one time or another. You certainly have had a lot on your plate lately. The miscarriage alone would have been enough to send me over the edge, let alone everything else.
When ever I feel like what you described, I know I am out of balance somewhere. I don't have an answer or advice about how to find that balance again. Sometimes it just takes time.
I'm sorry all of this has happened though. Even though the preganacy wasn't expected, it is still hard.
My cousin just went through something similar. She talked about how a recommendation was made to her to acknowledge that pregnancy. This is the link to her post. Maybe something she said may help.
http://cnjbrown.blogspot.com/2010/03/saying-goodbye-novel.html
I wish all the best for you. You deserve it.
Thank you for posting this. I find it very refreshing to hear about "real" life. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much and about the miscarriage. It's so hard to try and get to a normal place in life when you are going though stuff that is so not "normal." You should totally forget about the mundane for now and give yourself time to heal.
I have depression and feel overwhelmed like you described and the best thing for me is to give myself the time I need and not be hard on myself for doing what "needs" to be done. And sometimes that just takes time but you'll get there.
Nicole! You have been through a lot and in my opinion you shouldn't have to just jump back into "normal" life. If people try and do that they usually don't deal with the emotional upheaval they just had and it ends up coming out..eventually..and most likely at the wrong times and places! Deal with it! And by that I do NOT mean get over it..I mean face it..let yourself have time for YOU and let the emotions come! If you don't, then it will force you to..when you least want it to! Let us know if you need anything..if you need alone time we are here to watch your kids..whatever you need (I would offer to cook..but I haven't really been "cooking" myself lately..thanks to feeling so sick and not eating much so my kids get kids food! Haha!) but seriously! We are here for you! Have a HAPPY day! Lataz~Love always, Kasey
I can relate to your emotional roller coaster with the miscarriage. You can get answers to all those ?s! just pray about it and you will receive the answers your looking for! It will ALWAYS be a nagging thought even when you get pregnant again "will this one work out" etc! It never goes away bc form now on you'll have to put on your medical history for EVERYTHING you've had a miscarriage. But it does get easier, you rally with the kids you do have and be excited for the day you can raise the one you lost. I pray things get easier and settle down before more craziness starts up again! Love you!
Nikki, So much at one time...seems like life just rolls on no matter how well we think we can handle it or how much we think we need a break...I say don't worry about "getting over it"...I don't think you do "get over it" I think you change the person that you are. We are the sum of our life experiences and we learn lessons from all of life's journeys as well as the side trips and detours. Sometimes we have the luxury of seeing where we are and recognizing the blessings that come to us. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and simply hang on for the ride. The great thing about faith, is that it is always there, always present and we don't have to be perfect, or in control to use it. Sometimes faith means we just get up in the morning and get through our days the best we can trusting that the Lord will take care of all that we can't do...Sometimes we have to walk, when all we want to do is run...but really, this too shall pass and in time as you look back on these few months, you will be amazed at how much your perspective has changed and how much you have grown and learned from these experiences...For now, just take it one day at a time..you are loved and in turn are loving....You are the best! Love you...
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